Hey hey, hej hej,
I’ve been neglecting this little space and you must forgive me as I can see from the “Stats” that there is a few of you still checking this solitary corner of the internet… Whether you know me and are looking for some insight that other social media doesn’t give or you are a genuine fan of my work and don’t know me at all – it’s nice to know that there are at least some souls out there interested in my writing..
Well anyway, I type this while sipping a nice glass of Merlot so I’ll indulge in the literary fluidity that alcohol sometimes gives to us strange few and embrace the temptation to spew some paragraphs about my life as of late.
*The only drawback to writing under even the smallest of “influence” is that it does seem to hamper any notion of grammar and often means I write long winded sentences such as this one, that never seems to stop – as if I’m being carried away by a current of thoughts that prevent me from taking stock of the structure and spacing of my winding writing…*
So as you would have noticed, I’ve not really graced this blog with new poetry, this is mainly due to a much needed hiatus from writing. I needed some time to contemplate whether I was going anywhere with this and whether my main focus should indeed be poetry. I was for some time considering ditching the rhythmic pull of poetry and focus instead on a novel..
Oh well I have no particular obsessive idea for a subject for a novel, it’s more along the lines that I may enjoy it more as well as gain more from it. The reasoning for this is manifested in the base desires of wanting perhaps more recognition or receiving some actual monetary value from spending time doing this type of “work”.
Yes that does actually seem rather shallow and vain – does it not? To want to write for money and fame…. Well I’ve learned long ago not to question the yearnings of nature. For after-all we are only here to breed and be the alpha of your social grouping – that’s my interpretation of the base desires of life anyway.
But enough deliberation on this topic otherwise I’ll never finish this update. To be completely honest though I do mainly write poetry for my own self-satisfaction and some obscure cleansing of the soul. Whatever that may mean…
Writing does allow me to clear my head and distil unwanted emotions but it’s also tiring and so I cannot exactly describe the process as exactly cathartic. It’s almost like masturbating in some crude sense.. Something you just have to do every now and then to feel “right”. Hmmm maybe that’s an extremely poor analogy but you get the point (I hope so anyway ha).
I say all this anyway to highlight that it is actually hard to churn out decent poetry at a regular tempo. This is still only a hobby and I have a very hard full time job that needs my constant time and attention. Along with the other necessities of life such as socialising. exercise and general admin..
The other excuse I have is that I’ve been away a lot from home, where most of my creative thoughts flourish. I was recently in Oman, for a business trip and I will at some point document my observations/thoughts regarding this trip. I want to do this as it was my first time to a Middle Eastern/Islamic country and I was pleasantly surprised as to the way society runs out there. Obviously they are a relatively moderate and very peaceful country compared to their neighbours so I may even restrain from writing anything as my views will only be myopic in the greater sense.
Aside from work and the purposeful break from writing, I’ve also been internalizing a lot of thoughts/decisions pertaining to the changing shape of my life. I have undergone a lot of transitional stages in regards to the overall sense of career progression, relationships and general housing/financial situation.
*As of this stage of the update, the author has had another glass of Merlot and now goes at a tangent towards the unrelated topic of romance/women, please be patient with him as he struggles to get back on track and conclude this misery of a blog update…”
Being a romantic at heart I’m never too far away from dating even after a long term relationship. This may sound decadent but it’s actually far more innocent than you may initially imagine.
I crave female company. Even if it’s just as friends or general chit chat with a nice girl I don’t know too well. That’s because throughout my life to the present I have always been surrounded by predominantly men:- school, university, work and sports. I don’t have any hobbies/passions where I would necessarily be in contact with women my age. Therefore when I get the chance to go on a date or just approach a nice girl to initiate conversation – I take it with full gusto. It helps that confidence has never been a big issue for me (as an adult anyway) and it also helps that the premise of my desire is not carnal but rather for social/emotional reasoning. I hate one night stands and rarely respect women that want to sleep together the first time.
*The author will not put down the wine and get back on track *cough* *
Now I mention romance because this links to my last post (not the poem that I just posted but the story last month or so – can’t be bothered to check, sorry). The post in which I began a story regarding the German girl I met at university and was with for some time.
Now after I published that post I felt a number of emotions – none of them exactly good. The emotion at the forefront was sheer perplexity. Why had I written this? What was the purpose? And I still don’t for the life of me know. I’m normally a very rational and logical person that does not spend time on something that initially makes no sense – even in abstract ways.
The second emotion was a tiny sense of disgust at myself for writing such tripe and then allowing it to be published and accessed by people. I also did not want one particular women who was recently in my life to read such garbage as I think it would only hurt her and make her lose any shred of respect for me she had left.
With that said I did not and still will not delete it. For whatever reason I did it at the time – I don’t know. It was like a spectre of the past had obtained possession of my fingertips and tapped out the letters rhythmically without any notion of restraint. I mean it finishes with a promise that the story will continue(?!). And I’ll tell you know that unless that phantom of memories comes to visit me, I will not be finishing or continuing that particular line of autobiography. The main reason being is that it’s not exactly that interesting despite the utterances of expectations laid out within the text.
Secondly I realised I don’t feel strongly about all that crap which happened revolving around that particular woman. I have no feelings for her and I also am not interested in reliving that segment of the past.
The only strong emotion I have in connection with all that – is that I can love again. Love properly. Love without any limit. I’ve loved since her but not the same extent. The type of love where you would forego any personal achievements just so you can spend an extra second with that person. This type of love is best summarised by my favourite phrase: ” I love you more than life itself”.
I’ve only ever said that to two women. Both of which probably didn’t deserve it. But at least the first one felt the same way back. I’ve never felt that kind of love since. Maybe it’s a good thing I haven’t – since it can be extremely destructive as well as euphoric… Hormones aye.. That’s all it is at the end of the day. The release of hormones and other chemicals that influence the way you feel about certain people. But of course part of this is under your own soul’s choice since we choose who we mate and spend our lives with prior to the release of oxytocin and other brain juice that influences our future actions.
*The author takes a big swig from his merlot and lights a cigar – puffing thoughtfully for a few minutes while he contemplates how this update became something poetic in it’s own right. He also becomes anxious that he has no way to conclude this…*
Anyway… I’ll stop my gibbering and try to wrap this up in a semi-meaningful way:
Most of what I have written above has helped me come to a conclusion – an epiphany regarding life in some convoluted way.
And that is there is no point regretting who and how we spend our time. All of time and all of our experience shape who we are today. And unless you hate who you are today (which I can happily say I don’t), then we should just embrace the current situation.
The fact that I don’t know where this blog or my writing will go in the future is almost a blessing in itself. It allows me to be unrestrained in what I write – whether it be poetry or general musing such as this. It is also a blessing that not many people know of this blog or even bother reading it. It kind of excites me that this publicly accessible insight into my private thoughts is only known by a handful of creatures.
One of whom I have wronged and feel guilty that she has to read this tripe. If you are reading this now – then I want you to know I have no bad feelings towards you. I will always respect who you are and if there is truly a time when you don’t know who to turn to – then I will always be there for you.
The conclusion is that I will continue to plague this page with more poems, I will actually be less picky on what I post here and use it as a repository for ALL of my thoughts. That way I leave nothing to chance and will have documented all of my mind’s creations. Whether for good or bad. And that is also why I will not delete that last post I have deliberated on at some length within this update.
For now thought it’s time for another glass of wine and to spend time with my best friend.
Until next time. I’ll leave you with my all time favourite quote:
“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones. I am not afraid.”
– Marcus Aurelius
*The author sighs with a sense of contentment. Perhaps the process is after-all cathartic…*